Fear.

  My last Pete update was that he will not be leaving until mid May.  That was until last week when the powers that be decided that April 26th was a better day.  Considering the fact that the date has changed about 10 times I didn't think much of it until Pete started getting more and more information that Tuesday is D-Day, Departure Day. 

Eight Days.

192 hours. 

Most people that I meet or know up here have commented that they can't believe how well I am doing and how strong I seem but here is a little secret: it is easy to live in denial when every time you think something is going to happen the Army changes its mind.  It has been easy to think that a year long deployment isn't really going to happen-he is a Doctor, won't he be much better use in a clinic rather than on a battlefield?  Every other doctor that we know in the military that is currently deployed or is scheduled to be deployed soon has only a six month deployment, how did we get so lucky to have a deployment twice as long? 

Denial has been a wonderful thing, until now when there is a sense of pure panic realizing that time really is winding down.  Going to Sams Club to stock up on goods for Pete to take with him and having to constantly remind ourselves that I will be able to send care packages so if there is something that we forget, it will be okay.  The holes currently in our ceiling from the pipe change and new ceiling lights suddenly need to be fixed in the next couple of days or else there is a good chance that I will go the next year with three large holes above the breakfast nook (which I am actually okay with, a little reminder of my handy husband and how much I need him around!).  We are doing the final loads of laundry and I gave Pete a deadline of Tuesday at midnight to be all packed so that we don't have to be running around crazy during his last week.  I am finding out what his final meal requests are to make sure that I can fill him up with good home cooked meals.

This is really happening.  Pete will really be gone for a year, and that is terrifying.

I work today and tomorrow  noon to midnight and hopefully I  can shake this feeling if impending doom, the largest pit I've ever had in my stomach, this constant anxious feeling that I could receive a phone call saying that the date has moved even earlier, and just be at peace with it all.  To relax and enjoy this last week with my sweet husband without this feeling of panic and fear is all that I ask.  A girl can always dream.  Here's to wishing this deployment wasn't really sinking in and that I could still be in denial.