when it rains, it pours

  Until today I did not realize that I have not yet seen it rain in Fairbanks.  Sort of weird considering that I have been an Alaskan resident for the past five months and we are full throttle into the whole 'April showers bring May flowers' thing.  I have loved all the sunshine and brightness that spring in Fairbanks has to offer (the sun isn't setting until after 11pm each night!!) after such a long, cold, and dark winter.  This morning Pete and I couldn't help but think that it is appropriate that our first rainy Alaskan day is today, D-Day (Departure Day).   The weather worked well with the mood: somber, tearful, and mopey.
     We said goodbye in the car because I can't imagine anything worse than being surrounded by about 300 soldiers' sobbing wives and children just waiting for a bus to come take their loved one away to Eilson Air Force base north of town.  I  am so unbelievably proud of the work that Pete is going to do over the course of the next year,  I keep telling myself that I need to keep my chin up and be 'Army strong' and focus on the good that he is doing, but I decided that attitude can wait until tomorrow, and today I can cry.  Today I can feel sorry for myself, his friends and family who will miss him dearly, feel sorry for poor Gatsby who can't figure out why I am so sad and where his dad is, feel sorry that I am not going to have him home for our one year wedding anniversary, feel sad that I am going to be living in Alaska for the next year isolated from friends and family (this one is my own doing, but today I am allowed to be sad...), feel sad for the things that Pete is going to see and have to deal with over there that I won't be able to make better or help, feel said that I am missing out on an entire year of fun and adventure with my best friend.
        Today, I am just going to be sad.  I am going to get the courage to go upstairs tonight and get into bed and open the letter he wrote me before he left, and not stress about the amount of tears that I might cry.  Today, I am allowed to have today.
       Tomorrow, I am going to wake up for work and focus on the positives: in January I will get to see Pete for a two week tropical vacation (I know what January in Fairbanks is like and trust me, this will be much needed), I will think of how incredible it will feel one year from now to be able to finally relax, not have my phone truly attached to my hip, take a big sigh of relief and know that we made it and have the best reunion ever.  I will think about how we have been talking that summer of 2012 will be a good time to start a family (!!!) and I will think about how many wonderful things we have to look forward to.  
    But that is tomorrow.  Today, I am just going to be sad. 

Thank you for all the well wishes and support everyone has given to both Pete and I.  We love you all.

Hoppy Easter!

  Happy Easter to all.  Today was a perfect day (minus the part when Pete got his truck stuck in a ditch  and we had to get towed out by a neighbor...).

We started our day taking a family walk:

We then headed to one of my coworkers house  for an Easter lunch where Sandy and her daughter in law Melody were busy doing some arts and crafts before our arrival:

We then watched Ken grill delicious moose meat (traditional Alaskan Easter fare...)

 Then ate a delicious homemade meal

Complete with dessert:

After all of the food we played a game of Cranium and then headed over to a going away party
 for Pete hosted by some of his old coworkers at the hospital. 

  Today was a wonderful day where it is clear that during our short time here in Alaska, Pete has made some wonderful friends who will miss him dearly. 

But who wouldn't miss a face so sweet?  Here's to Easter 2012 when Pete will be home sweet home where the Easter Bunny will definitely be able to find him. 

Pride.

  Now that I am well into the final week before Pete leaves it is safe to say that my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.  As you know by my last post, fear has dominated much of my emotions however the past 24 hours I am surprised to say that the emotion that has been most prevalent is pride.  Wednesday night we had three people over for dinner, all of whom are getting deployed-one as early as today and the other two on Sunday, yes, Easter Sunday.  Two of the boys we had over are single officers, one of which graduated from West Point.  The other person is a doctor getting deployed with the 24th ID from Ft. Lewis outside of Seattle.  He is getting deployed on Friday and left his wife and child back home so he is here in Alaska alone and does not have anyone to give him a hug and say goodbye to.  We had a wonderful night of food and wine and I must admit that listening to everyone talk, it made me feel so proud to have them over and feed them a final 'home cooked meal' before they leave.  They are such  well educated, well spoken, caring individuals and this is the Army that not a lot of people know about.  Most people assume that everyone is rough, tough, and only care about firing weapons however I am proud to say that there is also a large group of military men and women who see this as a job to truly do some good for others.  As we said goodnight to everyone and I gave them the momma bear hug telling them to be safe and that we will do this again in one year, it made me realize that they are just like Pete and they are able to do so much good for both the soldiers deploying and the people in Afghanistan.
    The next morning Pete and I went to the one and only pre-deployment briefing which was held at a church on base.  The pews were packed with soldiers and wives and I couldn't help but look around and realize that a lot of the people preparing to leave are just kids.  Truly 18, 19, and 20 year old kids who are about to leave their families for a year because the military is the best and only option that they have.  They have been trained to do specific tasks and they are fully prepared for this deployment.  They looked strong, healthy, capable and my pride in our country has never been stronger.  And then I think about Pete:  he is responsible for keeping these young men (I say men because he is deploying with an infantry where women are not allowed) healthy over the next year, keeping them alive if something happens during missions, and helping the people Afghanistan receive basic health care.  Pride does not even begin to explain what I feel for Pete.  He is intelligent, strong, capable, and I truly can't imagine anyone more perfect for this job.  So while it is easy to let the fear take over right now I am doing my best to focus on the pride I feel for Pete, the gentleman we had over for dinner, and all the men that I sat next to during the pre-deployment briefing.

Fear.

  My last Pete update was that he will not be leaving until mid May.  That was until last week when the powers that be decided that April 26th was a better day.  Considering the fact that the date has changed about 10 times I didn't think much of it until Pete started getting more and more information that Tuesday is D-Day, Departure Day. 

Eight Days.

192 hours. 

Most people that I meet or know up here have commented that they can't believe how well I am doing and how strong I seem but here is a little secret: it is easy to live in denial when every time you think something is going to happen the Army changes its mind.  It has been easy to think that a year long deployment isn't really going to happen-he is a Doctor, won't he be much better use in a clinic rather than on a battlefield?  Every other doctor that we know in the military that is currently deployed or is scheduled to be deployed soon has only a six month deployment, how did we get so lucky to have a deployment twice as long? 

Denial has been a wonderful thing, until now when there is a sense of pure panic realizing that time really is winding down.  Going to Sams Club to stock up on goods for Pete to take with him and having to constantly remind ourselves that I will be able to send care packages so if there is something that we forget, it will be okay.  The holes currently in our ceiling from the pipe change and new ceiling lights suddenly need to be fixed in the next couple of days or else there is a good chance that I will go the next year with three large holes above the breakfast nook (which I am actually okay with, a little reminder of my handy husband and how much I need him around!).  We are doing the final loads of laundry and I gave Pete a deadline of Tuesday at midnight to be all packed so that we don't have to be running around crazy during his last week.  I am finding out what his final meal requests are to make sure that I can fill him up with good home cooked meals.

This is really happening.  Pete will really be gone for a year, and that is terrifying.

I work today and tomorrow  noon to midnight and hopefully I  can shake this feeling if impending doom, the largest pit I've ever had in my stomach, this constant anxious feeling that I could receive a phone call saying that the date has moved even earlier, and just be at peace with it all.  To relax and enjoy this last week with my sweet husband without this feeling of panic and fear is all that I ask.  A girl can always dream.  Here's to wishing this deployment wasn't really sinking in and that I could still be in denial.

True Alaskan

   Okay, I know what you are thinking, didn't I already write a blog about becoming a 'true Alaskan' when I failed then passed my Alaskan driving test?  The answer is yes,  but that is only because I have not had a day like Friday where I truly became, and felt like a 'true Alaskan'.  What could cause this feeling?  Getting Alaska license plates and purchasing my first firearm: a pistol. 
   First, I finally took the plunge after having one too many times where I felt self conscious of my poor driving abilities while having Virginia license plates  (you know what I am talking about, the same look you give people when you see that they have New Jersey or Pennsylvania plates...).  Something about having the same license plates and having everyone on the roads know that I am a 'local' even though I might cut you off or not yield on green, I am from here so give me a break.
    Second, after having one too many terrifying nights while Pete is gone hearing a noise or having Gatsby start barking and then I lay in bed terrified thinking about what I would do if someone was actually in my house and realizing that the closest thing I have to a weapon upstairs is a toothbrush and tweezers, I made the decision that I should get a firearm.  Weird, I know.  I have never wanted a gun before, and I always thought it was a little crazy to get something so dangerous but I have never lived in Alaska before, and I have never been faced with living by myself for the next year without any family or close friends nearby.  After a lot of thought and research Pete and I decided that a Ruger .357 magnum revolver would do the job ( I feel safer just writing this).  Essentially this is a pistol with nothing fancy and extremely easy to use.  I haven't actually shot the thing, that will be my next step.  While it will be a good self defense tool, it is also the smallest weapon that Gatsby and I can safely go walking on trails, and go berry picking with.  Apparently it is unsafe to go wandering from May to September without a large weapon due to the amount of bears and how aggressive they are up here.  When I said that I would be using this as a self defense weapon as well as a berry picking weapon I was told by multiple weapon salesmen that this is the smallest size that they would use (essentially making me realize that when I do go berry picking I need to have a friend come along with a larger weapon...).   Tomorrow Pete and I are going to the indoor shooting range so i can see exactly what it is like to shoot a gun and to hopefully be comfortable with it.  All that I want is to go to bed at night knowing it is in my bedside table so that over the next year if Gatsby wakes me up barking or if I hear a strange noise I can go  back to bed knowing that I can protect myself and not spend the next hour awake and terrified thinking of what I could use as a weapon if there was an intruder.  I'm sure that it will make Pete sleep a little easier at night as well knowing his wife and dog aren't completely defenseless up here in the great north.  Friday was a big day, and I think that the fact that I have Alaska license plates and a firearm will definitely give me  something to talk about with the other nurses at work.  Goodnight to all, sleep tight knowing yours truly is sleeping just a little bit safer. 

Transfer Station

   Today I had the pleasure of making my first trip to one of the many Fairbanks area transfer stations to drop off old laminate flooring, and let me tell you: it is such a great idea!  If any of the four people that read this are like me and don't know what a transfer station is, let me explain:  The majority of people who live in the Fairbanks area do not have trash pickup services (luckily where Pete and I live, Wednesday is our trash day) so they have developed these transfer stations, or dumpsters, so that people can drop off their trash.  When I say dumpsters that makes it sound like a really dirty and gross area but I was extremely impressed.  People just came, dumped their trash, and went on their way.  There were dumpsters specifically for recycling, household debris, contractor junk, and an area where you can put things that typically would go to a goodwill or salvation army and people can pick it up.  Truly taking advantage of the saying one mans junk is another mans treasure.  While I am glad that I have the luxury of having trash pickup, I am able to appreciate the way that most people get rid of their garbage here in Fairbanks.

Something that I love:

  Tonight as I was leaving work after an exceptionally busy 12 hours I was surprised that I was walking to my car in a twilight type dusk.   It was 10:27pm.  I am definitely not used to this and it is hard for me to imagine 3 months from now when Fairbanks truly turns into the land of the midnight sun.  Something about being able to see some light making its presence known from the other side of the hills was refreshing and it almost felt like it was 7pm.  While I am not sure how I will like 24 hours of daylight I know for certain that having the sun truly set around 10:30 pm is a wonderful thing.  Goodnight to all, another long shift tomorrow.

more snow?!

    Just when I was thinking that I made it through the longest winter of my life, today it started snowing.  I'm not  talking about a little bit of snow, but large golf ball sized snowflakes causing my drive home from the FRG meeting slow and painful.  I must admit that my heart actually hurts a little bit because it has been so beautiful, sunny, and warm (20's-30's is now feeling balmy...).  Aside from the sadness from the snow, I was able to witness the panic that all the military is experiencing knowing that there is a very real possibility that nobody will be getting paychecks until a deal is made by congress.  Luckily I do not work at the hospital on base and will receive a paycheck no matter what happens with this situation however this is a very scary time knowing that in 1995 there was a 90 day period where the government was not getting paid.  This means no commissary on base, limited health care provided, no daycare.  Essentially during my hour long FRG meeting I was able to feel the wave of panic that is slowly taking over Ft. Wainwright.   I feel terrible for the families that rely completely on military income to put food on the table and hope that an agreement can be made that is reasonable and cuts spending.  It is a scary time but if nothing else this just reinforces the need for a rainy day fund.  It will be a long 26 hours waiting to see how this plays out. 

Good news!

   The past week has been extremely busy-saying my schedule has been challenging would be an understatement (working 7p-7a, 12p-12a, and 10a-10p all in the same week has made me a little loopy) but our dear friend Mike Jones came up for the weekend to spend some time with Pete before he leaves and I must admit that I'm pretty sure that he brought some good Boston juju with him.  Despite the fact that we were extremely excited to take him to The Pump House whose claim to fame is being the northern most oyster bar and conveniently both Mike and Pete are oyster fanatics and they were all out of oysters and the fact that my schedule required me to work the majority of the time that he was here, yesterday before he left Pete found out that he will not be leaving until May 14th.  Yes, that is an entire month longer than the original schedule departure date and no that does not mean he has to stay a month longer.  Woohooo!  Here's to only an 11 month long deployment ;) (slight sarcasm here...).  Apparently there is a trauma course that Pete needs to take prior to deploying and the course next week that Pete was told he was going to is all filled so due to the disorganization of the Army, I get to have Pete for an extra month.  There is a calmness in our house knowing that our time together is longer than 14 days  Tonight we are having a couple over for dinner and we are excited to relax, celebrate the good news, and celebrate the long days in Fairbanks.